ELLSWORTH — Ever hit a brick wall after raising an issue with a spouse, friend or colleague? Maybe your attempt to plunge in and try to talk about the matter was met with a stony face and silence. Did you see the other person as unwilling to face and address the topic at hand?

Speaking to Ellsworth counselor Bob Keteyian, you might discover you are an “interpersonal” communicator who likes to confront issues head-on and resolve them through back-and-forth exchanges rather than first digesting and sifting through the problem in one’s own mind. The latter way, in which the person gains insight from within, is called “intrapersonal” by Keteyian.

In his newly published book, Keteyian says navigating the world — life — becomes easier, knowing and respecting how people communicate differently. “Do You Know What I Mean? Discovering Your Personal Communication Style” (Exlibris, 2009, 141 pages, $19.99) breaks down communication and identifies seven components at play in most human interactions. In plain language, the mental health practitioner explains how these elements cause conflict and clashes among people. He offers “real life” approaches and strategies on how to avoid such breakdowns and restore communication.

Without revealing names or identifying details, Keteyian provides real-life situations and how they were dealt with from the hundreds of clients whom he has counseled over his career spanning 30 years. He also dissects his own personality and how he differs from his wife.

Keteyian says he and his wife, Susan Ariane Garfield, represent the “interpersonal” versus the “intrapersonal” as communicators. This became evident when the two first dated.

“I talked a lot, she didn’t. I would often say things off the top of my head, looking for feedback and engagement to understand my thoughts and feelings, as well as to build a connection with her,” the counselor relates in “Do You Know What I Mean?” “This, of course, meant I said things I didn’t necessarily mean, but needed to hear in order to make sense of my experience and determine how I really felt.”

Originally from Detroit, Mich., Keteyian draws his ethnic roots from the former Soviet republic of Armenia. His grandmother spoke only Armenian and his parents’ first language was Armenian. In the Keteyian household, the parents switched to Armenian when they didn’t want their two sons to understand — even though they often did — or sought privacy in social situations.

Growing up in the 1950s and ’60s, Keteyian was drawn to the stereotype American families portrayed in popular television sitcoms and how they differed sharply from his own. He became fascinated with how TV characters such as the kindly, warm-hearted mother in “The Donna Reed Show” and affable widowed father in “My Three Sons” and family members handled situations in their fictional households.

“I began coaching the actors from my living room. I critiqued what they said to each other and how they said it…,” he recalls in his book. “My intense interest in how people talked with each other extended beyond my living room and the television to the outside world. I observed the communication patterns and styles of others and sometimes served as an informal mediator during adolescent disputes.”

Communication became his lifelong pursuit. He earned an elementary education degree from Western Michigan University in 1971. He found he loved working with children, but decided teaching was not his vocation. He did outreach social work with developmentally disabled children and adults and earned a master’s degree in counseling psychology from Cambridge College in Massachusetts.

In 1973, Keteyian and his wife moved to Ellsworth where he has counseled adults, teens and children and consulted with local schools, businesses and organizations. He opened his own practice in 1980. In 2003, he and Ellsworth businessman and counselor George Elias pooled their respective counseling expertise and formed Elias & Keteyian.

“We believe that mental illness, whether it be depression, anxiety or the many other “disease” words, is really the mind’s creative way of drawing attention to our unhappiness,” their statement reads. “Our mission is to help people understand why they are unhappy and what they can do to live a meaningful and more satisfying life.”

In “Do You Know What I Mean?” listening and being patient are key to improving relations whether they involve spouses or a parent and child. The book offers helpful approaches — including actual phrases — for initiating conversation about tough, touchy subjects. From the outset, striking the right tone — making the other person feel respected and included in the process — gets interaction off to a good start.

In the book’s second half, Keteyian provides exercises for identifying one’s own communication style and related strengths and weaknesses. This spectrum of questions touch on everything from how we eat, sleep, dream and relax to whether we like to be touched and the stress level in our life. When communicating, we are asked whether we listen well, interrupt, gesture, use metaphors, choose words carefully, fidget and move around a lot and other behavioral traits.

Once a personality type emerges, Keteyian shows how to chart our strengths and weaknesses and formulate a game plan for interacting and functioning better in life.

“Knowing how you communicate, cueing others into your process, and being patient with other styles creates more space in the communication experience,” he writes. “In this environment, there is more give-and-take, greater emotional safety, and clearer understanding — which is sure to result in better relational harmony.”

Getting in Touch

The book: “Do You Know What I Mean? Discovering Your Personal Communication Style” is for sale at online retailers such as amazon.com.

The blog: Bob Keteyian writes a blog “Thinking Out Loud” on many communication-related topics from President Barack Obama to connecting with kids. Check it out at www.communicationstyles.us.

Asking questions: Bob has an online communications lab. Ask a question at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Contact: Elias & Keteyian, 122 Main St., Ellsworth, 667-7735, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

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